Thoughts, 11 March 2010

11 March 2010

1) There are few sensations more utterly horrifying than that of oncoming flatulence in a crowded Metro station. There is a reason I take the bus if I’ve had beans in the past three nights.

2) I went to do a Google search today. The number one fill-in for “why are” – I was going Mr. Google a question about curio cabinets – was “Why are black people so loud?”  Undoubtedly racist, but now I’m tapping into some of that Google magic. Which I suppose indirectly makes me a racist. Or a racist lover.

3) Walking through Congress Heights I noticed something.  The houses there are not much different than any of those in U Street, Columbia Heights or Adams Morgan – indeed, many are nicer. Why, then, are the neighborhoods so different?

But of course we all know there’s a very key difference about Congress Heights: no Mexicans.

4) Does anyone reading this want a bottle of Gold Listerine?  Seriously.  Little-used.  I tried it without cutting it with water and the skin inside my mouth peeling off and I was desperately dry for a week.

But for you I’m sure it’d be fine.

5) Someone I know just got married. He’s a month younger than me. This is the seventh person I’ve known, directly or through friends, to be married. The first popped about six months out of high school.

In the words of a married woman herself: JUST SAY NO.

But of course it’s probably the perverse incentive of tax. I want a new tax, on married people, to pay for subsidies towards daycare. And a ban on the public exhibition of a child from dawn to dusk.

6) I also want a tax on methane. Did you know that methane as a greenhouse gas is 20 times more potent than CO2? And did you know where methane comes from. Farts. Specifically cow farts – or they always say cow farts. I think that’s the government trying to deflect attention from the real culprit. You know what I’m talking about. You know who you are.

I’ve heard of a solution: Carbon capture and sequestration. Take a big hole in the ground; fill it with the gas; cover and done. Only trick, I guess, is to get the gas down there.

Brb metro.

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ORDER OF THE DAY

TO THE OFFICERS AND ENLISTED MEN OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY NORTH:

Wear sunscreen.

No, I’m kidding. It’s actually pretty cold.

It’s been a busy week here at HQ. We’ve recently finished updating our computer systems to operate on entirely 3G wireless systems, so from now on we will always be in touch! This is just the first step in our effort to redress the issues raised during the engagement at Hill 382 last month. In related good news, I’ve just seen the latest reports and almost half the forces of the old 120th Infantry Brigade will soon be available for reassignment to other units. Thanks to the Medical Corps for more great work!

On a less happy note we’ve received some disturbing reports of missing food across a number of units from battallion level on down. It goes without saying that such thefts are court-martialling offenses and will not be tolerated anywhere in the Army. We will not be able to continue promotions such as “Five Courses with a Five Star” (congratulations to this month’s winners CPL Jeffries and PFC Wosckowski of Charlie Company,  Brigade Support Battalion, 13th Infantry) if our generosity is rewarded with this sort of behavior. We understand the food shortage is acute. We are actively addressing it.

Enlisted personnel are reminded that disturbances, food-related or otherwise, are a capital offense.

Additionally we understand that tempers are running a bit high as we continue to withdraw forces from New York to other parts of the front. As a result the C/Os of all of our brigade support batallions have come together to organize a General Funtreat, with prizes, requisitioned carnival rides and air raid drills. The winners will receive three-day passes behind the lines, with transportation to Pittsburgh.

Entrants are reminded that desertion is a capital offense.

More than ever it’s important to remember that we’re all in this together. It’s been a tough year – no one denies this – but the Army’s fundamental strength is as good as it has ever been. With the American spirit in our hearts, funding as high as its ever been and the latest and best resources, we will defeat our enemies and build a nation bigger, more enterprising and more vigorous than we have ever seen before. For that the commitment of every man and woman among you is indispensible.

Enlisted personnel are reminded that disobeying orders is a capital offense.

T. GEITHNER

Chief of Staff, US ARMY NORTH

1. Please enjoy the second comment from the top on this shirt from Old Navy. If you can’t immediately see why it’s idiotic, reread it. You’ll get there.

2. Also, better late than never, another glorious headline from The Grauniad:

Undoubtedly assisted by a hooded Weiner

3. I thought of the following puns for the snowstorm:

  • Blizzaster
  • Snow job
  • Snowthrall
  • Blowstorm
  • Snow-how (as in, “The District of Columbia dramatically lacks snow-how”)
  • Blizzerk
  • Snow what?
  • Snows before hos
  • And courtesy of my roommate Alex, snow class

4. This snowstorm has brought out the best from Mayor Adrian Fenty, principally because it’s forced him to wear a hat.

5. If I had known what this week was going to be like, I’d have bought a plane ticket on Thursday and gone home to Florida for a week. This would have been a lovely time. Instead, this has not been a lovely time. It has been a distinctly unlovely time.

Although maybe if I’d gone to Florida, there’d have been a sunstorm. Like if a solar flare coincided with an eclipse – but a surprise eclipse, so we didn’t expect it – and there was some kind of radiation leak from MacDill Air Force Base. And then I’d be trapped in my condo avoiding bombardments of crazy Independence Day-style firestorms, radiation, and hurricanes made of hot wind.

With my luck.

6. Michelle Tractenberg and the guy who plays Guillermo on Weeds just popped up on this episode of some primetime hospital show on NBC. And he’s gay. I did not see that one coming. I thought he was totally going to mack on Harriet the Spy before I remembered that she’s underage and totally unstable on top.

7. To my Facebook friends: please stop inviting me to support your candidates for office. Especially if it’s for Congress. If I had my way nobody would be elected to Congress. Congress would be one person who sits in that high chair they built to feed Dennis Hastert who nods sagely, if a little disinterestedly, as I proclaim a legislative programme. Incidentally this is not unlike my first and last experience watching Congress in action – right after Katrina. So little would be disrupted.

But then maybe I’d have to have others. I’d just encourage them not to vote. Perhaps using armed guards at the doors. I think that would be strong disincentive for any attempts to make me suffer suffrage. Charlie Wilson, rest his soul, was never particularly troubled by the need to actually be at Capitol Hill. Can it be hard to find 500 or so Charlie Wilsons? No. In fact it would be extremely entertaining. Congress could be Sex and the City… which I suppose would make me Stanford Blatch.

Or the City Councilman who wants Carrie to piss on him.

Hey Adrian – can I borrow your hat?

Dear Fellow American:

I want to talk to you about something close to my heart.

BARACK OBAMA’S COMMUNISM.

Did you know that Barack Obama once took Russian classes?  YES.

Now, in Washington, Obama and his band of revolutionary socialist Wall Street mafiosi are putting together a plan to transform America from the boundless paradise envisioned by our Founders.

Obama has a different vision. Obama wants a country where government can come into your house whenever it wants, for whatever reason it wants – except if you want to be GAY MARRIED.

He wants to take your health insurance and give it to drug addicts.

He wants to PAY those drug addicts to abort your children.

He wants to gay marry your ABORTED CHILDREN.

Obama’s future is black indeed.

As a patriot, a lover of freedom, a God-fearing American, a veteran of the 403rd Technical Clerical Brigade Group of the Florida Air National Guard Reserve and a proud father of between one and three young children, I’m deeply concerned.

But there’s HOPE, friends. And not the kind draped in a rainbow flag and very little else.

WE THE PEOPLE, and the people who we are, can stop the Obama Agenda.

That’s where you come in. I pray and beseech earnestly the Lord above, Holy be His name, that you’ll send me $35.

Barack Obama is a radical liberal who is so radical that even liberals are frightened of his radicalism. Barack Obama is the most radical figure to occupy the presidency since radicalism began in 1933.

Barack Obama wants government to control business, inmates to control prison and children to control daycare. He wants to devolve government power to his cronies in far-left pressure groups and raise taxes to pay them for it. He wants to take out a mortgage against America – FROM CANADA.

He wants the government to slide its warm, wet, slithery tentacles into the untouched sanctuary of the American home. He wants to invade your most sacred of places until you and your family are utterly BROKEN.

Most of all Barack Obama wants to completely destroy the only thing keeping America straight – conservatism. He wants to BREAK us, too, FORCEFULLY and WITHOUT MERCY.

Just consider Obama’s ties with the Sierra Club.

For years Obama has conferred with, supported and even listened to the Sierra Club and their anarchist supporters.

So close is Obama with the Sierra Club that he adopted a spotted owl – AS HIS PRESS SECRETARY.

But the Sierra Club is an organization of only the most pungent and rank EVIL, who have been investigated for hatred against America in at least 52 states. Its workers have been repeatedly charged with inciting underage illegal alien baby animals to violence against their human masters.

Yet Obama not only supports them – he relies on them to pass his budget.

They are just one of the many tools in his arsenal of hate. He uses them because he doesn’t just want to stop us…

…HE WANTS TO IMMOLATE US. ONLY TOTAL EVISCERATION WILL SATISFY HIM. HE WANTS TO REND US APART AND EXTINGUISH THE FAINTEST RESISTANCE TO OUR EXTERMINATION SO THAT HE CAN LIQUIDATE ALL THAT WE STAND FOR.

That’s the reason he’s pushing for ObamaCare.

Once every American has health care, Obama will have our Founding Fathers at his mercy. He will do with them what he pleases. Their dreams, their desires – he will control them mind, body, and if he likes, soul.

US TOO.

This black day for America can get blacker still.

There aren’t enough of us in Congress to halt Obama’s march to destruction. Somehow, because of trickery, manipulation and terror, congressional Republicans are almost irrelevant.

But I’m fighting back against Obama’s sinister shinkansen to socialism.

And I need your $35.

The American Conservative Unity Network Taskforce (ACUN Taskforce) is resisting the Obama agenda.

We aren’t just supporting ANY Republican candidate…

We are dedicated to electing only the most HARD BOTTOMED conservative leaders of tomorrow.

Our fightback has to begin right where American democracy has always lived – in the United States Congress.

Now OF COURSE you OBVIOUSLY see that what we’re doing needs your donation of $35, $37.50, $42.25, $46.94, $53.o1 or $55,100.

There’s almost no time left! Quick!

Only you can stop Obama’s plan to destroy the legacy of RONALD REAGAN. Barack Obama is the ANTIREAGAN.

Ronald Reagan’s love of our country, commitment to freedom, and completely unimpeachable commitment to virtue saved America…

… AND DESTROYED LIBERALISM.

But now Obama wants to try again. I’m not giving in. I’m going to stand and fight to the bitter end.

This battle is happening today!

But it won’t be easy.

To fight we need the ACUN Taskforce to mobilize within the next 48 hours.

We can pull the snow-white rug of justice right out from under the dark feet of oppression if…

1) You sign that support pledge thing.

2) You send back IMMEDIATE REINFORCEMENT of $35, or even as much as $52.13, $74.94 or $119,050.

The more you help, the less America suffers.

It’s just that simple.

Your American friend,

Peter Wahlberg

P.S. ACUN Taskforce is a unique group dedicated to halting Obama’s march to the gulags.

We need your help! So please sign the pledge thing and send it back WITH YOUR MOST GENEROUS GIFT of $35, $67.82, $348.90 or $167,600.

Winter weltanschauung

3 February 2010

In the District of Columbia significant quantities of snow fall only on the weekend.  Invariably it has receded enough by the following Monday for the drones to return to work.  Even the weather is anti-worker.

It rather makes me wonder if Marx ever took into account how bad the weather is when planning the Revolution.  I suppose he didn’t plan it, really. He wrote books. He was like the Jack Ryan of international communism, but the pre-Hunt for Red October Jack Ryan. Would this make Engels James Earl Jones? I need to get clarity on this.

(This is a nonsensical phrase. People at work say it to me frequently. I will one day reply, “Sure, let me just go buy a little clarity from the pusher two doors over,” and be immediately sacked.)

Imagine that you’re the proletariat.  I’m not, but let’s say you are.

Are you really going to wear that? The proletariat, while dirty and frequently ill-mannered, are generally impeccably-dressed in situations of great political tension.  Have you ever seen a picture of Churchill addressing a crowd?  Bowler hats all around.  You’re in jeans.  I mean it’s fine, I guess. I just – whatever, your call.

So imagine. Proletariat.  What are the sort of situations likely to awaken you from your vodka-induced class slumber?  Famine sounds good.  Mass deprivation of a basic service like heating or electricity.  A major mutiny, perhaps, or a rout in a war. Perhaps a general breakdown in communication caused by the loss of critical air, road or rail networks.

And when would something like this happen?  Winter.

That hot dog is the mass-man

See nobody’s ever become a communist on their own. Some kind of shit has to go down first.  Now if this shit goes down on a lovely spring day – say May 11th, because the end of the month can get a bit hot but the beginning can be rather rainy and of course you have to adjust the time for your own area, like when Al Roker kind of uselessly drones on about the weather and then goes, “Now what’s happening in your neck of the woods!” and you get real information. In fact, I’ve changed my mind.  I think Marx is like Al Roker.

So the electricity’s gone, communications are breaking down and Al Roker’s all like, “Hey, let’s overthrow Matt Lauer and seize control of the means of production.”  And I suppose it sounds like a good idea, because whenever anybody says, “let’s XYZ” it generally sounds good. But then you actually go to do it and it’s not. Sure I’d like to check out the new restaurant. No I don’t want to go to Silver Spring. But Al Roker’s all, “Hey, come on, Silver Spring’s not that far” and so we go, and I’m a bit grumpy about it.

But then it’s cold. Maybe it’s still snowing. And the wind chill! And there’s “the forces of law and order,” as I once heard them described by a Russian colonel serving in Chechnya, and there’s really a lot of them. And Al Roker’s like “They have sliders!” but by then you just don’t care anymore. That’s what revolution is like.

A case study. Take England. England has never had a Revolution that wasn’t somehow queeny (both in subject and participants). Why? Elections are almost always in May. Just at that moment when the sun is shining, you’re emerging from the gloom and you can’t believe how badly the ruling class has misappropriated the capital provided for by the labor of the masses, they give you a chance to choose! Maybe a frivolous choice, to be sure, but it takes the wind right out of your sails because you immediately feel like you’re doing something. Why go all the way to Silver Spring when there’s a Fuddrucker’s in Friendship Heights? I think it’s a Fuddrucker’s.

In America the strategy is different. Elections in November lock in the choice just as the winter’s hitting hardest and frustration’s building, and then we don’t actually change hands until January. Used to be March but, I don’t know, fabulous advances in winter coats or whatever. By the time spring hits the new people have barely had a chance to get started and you feel bad making a fuss and this time they really might make it work. (They won’t, but the proletariat is not known for critical thinking.)

Not much fun, especially when Poland turned out to be closed for the season

This is where Russia went wrong. Russia was getting in the dead of winter (February) and they were getting their ass beat by Germany and there was a shortage of food in the cities and vodka was outlawed by the not-very-thoughtful authorities. No more czar. They got a provisional government and by November they blew so hard that nobody could imagine tolerating them through another winter. No more provisional government.

China probably fits my example too. I’m kind of lazy.

I think the lesson is that America will never have a revolution because all of the cities are too cold and there’s never any reason to do it in the Spring. The only real threat comes from the expansion of Virginia and their inability to plow those tiny country roads. That way lies danger.

But now a look at what’s happening in your neck of the woods.

I’m glad to see that during my absence literally tens of people have found their way to my blog.  Today, that included people searching for “furry rape” and “Van Hool Portugal.”  Well done, sirs.

There’s a great deal I’d have liked to have written about, but I’ve been distracted by the hateful business of maintaining my hateful existence (on a level of income which I have the sneaking suspicion is far more than I need but far less than I require). So perhaps one or two notes on the past month:

1) I am greatly pleased that the loss of Martha Coakley means I won’t have to hear from Bob Menendez for awhile.  Perhaps the Senator from MTV is unaware (or perhaps it’s his counterpart from the film Casino that’s allergic to listening) but in order to motivate people to defend a majority it’s important to do something with it. This is even more important when rather than defending an actual majority you’re attempting to hold a completely arbitrary number that’s going to be fucked up by Ben Nelson anyway. (I have just quoteD from Fox News. Occasionally they do get the sense of things right.)

They'll never take our health ca-oh

It’s rather like the film Braveheart. Remember when they’re fighting at Falkirk, and the infantry are slaughtered when the noble cavalry just trot off at the crucial moment?  That was health care. Somehow it shouldn’t be hard to figure out why in the next battle the infantry won’t fall over themselves to rescue their lords and masters.

2) That having been said, I never thought 2010 was going to be as good as everybody assumed – and now I don’t think it’s going to be as bad.  Think of it what you will but our electoral system is well-insulated from popular anger. Systems matter.  So far, precious little has changed, whatever the result of a quite-inconsequential by-election.  Ask British Labour how much by-elections change.

3) On a related note I am coming, alarmingly, to think that Glenn Beck is asking the right questions. Terrible answers, to be sure. But right questions.

4) Chip Corbett sent me this article for comment.  2000 words later I’m still working on it. Suffice it to say, however, that once I got over my gentleman-and-scholar’s indignation over the death of the liberal arts I couldn’t help but laugh at the whingeing – wonderful word, no? It’s whining with a more aggressive spelling – liberal arts people who didn’t understand why nobody wanted to study them anymore. It is in fact because nobody wanted to study liberal arts in the first place but before it was necessary as part of the process of buying your way into a higher social class. (This is the point of college unless you’re already part of the upper class, in which case the point is basically gay sex.) I even had a long-winded but sadly appropriate comparison with the 19th century British officer corps. I can expound on this in conversation.

Long story short: people don’t want to study liberal arts – especially philosophy – not because their heads are filled with some airy capitalist stereotypes but because those stereotypes have never been truer than they are now. To quote scripture: physician, heal thyself.

5) I don’t care what anyone says, and I realize this is a distinctly minority opinion. But the only academy award that Inglourious Basterds will win, or deserve to, is Best Supporting Actor for Christoph Waltz.

Incidentally, Christoph, if you’re reading this – like, I don’t want to be weird. But I think we’d be really good friends. We could get an apartment. Or something. Call me.

6) While I’m a bit disappointed that Ke$ha turned out to be white, it does make sense given her association with Flo-Rida and of course my enthusiasm is undampened. This may make me a bamma. If so, I’m fucking Obamma.

7) All joking aside, Obama is also a bamma.

8 ) It’s really too bad that there isn’t a national conference of clotheshanger manufacturers in Washington in early February.  I think it would do a lot for their collective visibility.

9) Brett Favre is really annoying when he does this:

This is not unlike the other 23 hours of his day; however it’s doubly-irritating that the song has approximately 12 words and he still fucks it up. This is not unlike another notorious fuck-up

I think the moral of the story here is get your facts right or you’ll end up being raped by a furry on a Van Hool bus to Portugal. (A suggestion which will almost certainly result in my being a target for a Keith Olbermann special comment.)  How ironic that tonight the purveyor of that violence will be Saints.

underage girl,  under age girls,  underage girls,  underage facial,  reginald veljohnson

Harrumph.  I don’t remember writing anything about Reginald VelJohnson.